#in an indescribable amount of pain rn

[girlishwhimsyy]

vasily podkolzin to edmonton what if i killed myself

[chososdiscordkitten]

I havent slept in 24 hours I am 100% delirious writing this. rant below the cut im so sorry I keep ranting.

I think I have finally pin pointed why I like chosito so much. You know how people who grew up without a father like men who are authoritative and stern? I think it's the same for me only for an older brother. not in a nasty way at all obviously, but I have 3 older brothers and ive never not once felt taken care of or protected by them. being born the first daughter in a hispanic household, I bore the pain and the hurt for them. even If I was one of the youngest. not once have my brothers ever shown care or passion that I matter to them. so me thinks, that's why I like chosito. because he cares so much for his siblings. and when I read him telling Naoya he was sorry he didn't love his brothers, it struck something in my heart. I have only ever felt this way once in my life, Choso what are you doing to me. I feel an indescribable amount of sadness thinking abt him. does this make sense??? idk. I need a crisp cigarette. I am an ex vaper I will admit, but a ciggie would buss rn. im about to pass out. I rlly like the Choso family man x reader who couldn't care less about family trope. if anyone reads this, hiiiiiii thank u for reading my feelings. I refuse to go to therapy

[magnoliamyrrh]

i guess what im saying is. yes our species is capable of truly indescribable depravity and evil, and the amount of horrid things happening in the world rn is innumerable, and the amout of horror in history is so wide we wouldnt be able to fit it all in the library of alexandria if we tried.

...... but for a bunch of tribalistic omnivorous apes who spread across the planet due to our insane hunting and socialization abilities - our communal predatory ability in large part being what made us an apex species despite what vegan history revisionists wanna say lol -who gained too much sentience and have such a bloody history between themselves, whove been doing tribalistic warfare since forever,,,,,, , , i truly Do think it is amazing how many of us care and want to do better. how we have the ability, us, little creatures with our limited brains who lived in small tribes for Most Of Our History, us, who throughout 99.9% of history mostly only cared abt things happening in our field of vision or approximately nearby,,,, to care about each other. about people all across the world. to care for people we will never meet, in places we will never lay foot, who speak and look differently from us. to truly feel love, care, pain, and sorrow for each other... to do what no other ape species has done, and try, at least TRY to have a general humanity, to dare to call for peace! peace??! between different peoples

its very easy to get lost in the cruelty that this species has enacted. its easy to look at human history through thousands upon thousands of years and say, god, how cruel, how horrible....... but its not fair to us, to see only that side of the coin. humans are beings of incredible empathy, sociability, sentimentality, love, hope, want to be better

.... we are perhaps one of the only species which understands what evil even is in the first place, and has the ability to feel true sorrow, guilt, and shame

[mariska]

Been Another One Of Those Days Folkes ........ got therapy later (good) but i am in an indescribable amount of pain from both physically exhausting myself having to go through the hours long shower situation yesterday and general chronic pain/illness flare ups from all my other shit (bad) and even though i know therapy literally always helps cus thats Why I Go i just feel. so ridiculously drained of any and all energy and its cold and storming bad and theres no sunshine in the house and the light in the kitchen is broken and its dark in here and i dont want to go to therapy or get dressed or leave the house i do not even want to be in rn cus all i want to do is go back to bed and sleep for 10 years and wake up feeling good 4 once. :(

.... anyways!

[daezedglownut]

Vent post, fyi if you want to keep scrolling lol

Waiting for the diazepam to kick in and alleviate some of this chronic pain. Not just my dicky neck, but also my lower back too. God forbid I have a lie-in for once in my life. Apparently my body can only ever be in constant pain, or (in very rare instances) “too relaxed” - which leads to me rolling over in bed and inevitably slipping something and spending the next week in varying degrees of agony.

Last physio was useless. Was referred by the hospital on the understanding that the physio people would be able to refer me for scans and possible injections because of the nerve pains and weakness in my hands.

Only to be told by the physio “no, we don’t do that”, which suddenly changed to “well, we COULD technically, but if that car crash you were in years ago broke anything, that would’ve healed by now, so a scan is just a waste of time/money. Anyway, let’s give you all these exercises you’ve already done ad nauseam that haven’t improved your quality of life whatsoever :)”

Not to mention I have to ration pain pills and muscle relaxants because if I went to the doctor every time I had indescribably pain that almost makes me call in sick at work, I’m made to feel like a junkie chasing their next fix.

All I saw during this last group physio appointment was middle aged people considerably overweight, taking shit like tramadol and gabapentin or pregabalin, and jfc it was like I could see my inevitable future bc my only coping mechanism rn is comfort eating that’s evolved over the years into what I’m pretty sure is binge eating disorder, and I miss the days when I was almost thin, and could walk over 10,000 steps every day, and my lower back only felt a little tight sometimes - not this living hell I’m in right now. And if I see one more fuck say “well you can be obese and healthy actually uwu” I’m gonna McFucking Lose It because I’m one BMI point into obese territory rn and I have never felt so fucking bad in my life.

If I’m addicted to anything, it’s high sugar, refined carbs, and that shit is poison plain and simple. There was a time where I had the willpower to consume the tiniest amount of that shit, and felt infinitely better. I didn’t have brain fog. I wasn’t angry all the time. My general mood wasn’t as reactionary to stress. Even my autism wasn’t as easily triggered by sounds or stresses. I felt fucking fantastic.

And I can’t even begin to drag myself back into that way of living. I’ve been sad and fat and overeating and in pain for too long. It’s easier than ever to make excuses and not go for a long walk - because as amazing as I feel right after, the next day I’ll be paying for it as my entire body protests trying to get out of bed.

The last thing my hyper mobile joints need is for me to be sedentary. I literally need to build muscle around them for the pain to lessen or go away completely. But I’m at fucking rock bottom, and all the doctors seem to want to prescribe me like candy is fucking antidepressants - which I won’t fucking take ever again because every single one does not agree with my autism - and don’t start me on how the only ones left that I haven’t tried are all anti-cholineric. Like I need the fucking added worry that being on that shit long-term could amp up my risk of getting dementia later on in life. No fucking thank you.

The only good habit I’ve been able to maintain recently is taking my various multivitamins every day without fail. But I still feel drained and depleted and haven’t the energy to do anything - and so I’ve also become addicted to high caffeine energy drinks. The best thing I can say is that they’re sugar free, but that’s little comfort given that my cause of death will probably be my heart exploding someday 🙃

[kaustic]

im in indescribable amounts of pain rn this Sucks

[thatonespriteobsessedbitch]

Speak Now Taylor's Version Thoughts!!!

dude this post is longgggg

Mine TV:

Mine stolen version has been my favorite song recently so I'm really excited!

AHHHHHHH 20 SECONDS!!!

this is like better than Christmas to me

it's just the "ah-ah-ah-ah"s and I'm already crying

she sounds so much more grown up 🥹

I want you to know that I'm actually crying rn

I only just realized that SNTV is almost 2hrs long... it's ten now and I have to be up at six....

Sparks Fly TV:

awwww Sparks Fly's canvas is her singing it in Nashville 💜

the country twang 🥹😭

fun fact: this song makes me think of dean winchester

I would meet her in the pouring rain literally any day of the week

omg I just saw the SNTV post and she looks so pretty

Back To December TV:

I love this song so much

I can definitely hear the differences a lot more in this one

BRB crying

somehow this one sounds even more regretful than the original

there's a lot less of the orchestral strings which I'm kinda sad about

I'm sorry, her little voice shake on understand???? I'm sobbing

yeah there's def more guitar

Speak Now TV:

omg title track time bby

her vocals have matured so much 🥹

it almost sounds like 19yo taylor is doing backing vocals in the chorus

she didn't do the giggle??

Ok she's forgiven, somehow the bridge got better

nvm I thought the giggle was in a different spot, it's still there

Dear John TV:

side-eyes john mayer

tears just tears 😭😭

the way she says "I should've know" I'm bawling

I literally blacked out for that entire song

Mean TV:

dancing to the little banjo moment while still crying from dear John lol

she sounds so petty at the bridge lmfaoooo

The Story Of Us TV:

I wonder if she's gonna keep "next chapter" and "the end"

omfg she did!!! she sounds so good!!!!

pop-rock is where she shines

I love the guitar solo so fucking much

I love her "the end" so much

Never Grow Up TV:

this one is gonna make me ugly cry

the bridge is gonna kill me

I literally curled up in a ball and cried for the entire song

Enchanted TV:

I really hope we get more speak now on the setlist now that Taylor's version is out

the amount of joy the TV of this song gives me is indescribable

nearly bridge time

*the woman was too stunned to speak*

it's so good guys

Better Than Revenge TV:

omfg the intro is so so good

I don't mind the lyric change, I understand that it didnt reflect current taylor anymore

also it fits really well

altho I saw someone say that it was a fountain pen line in a gel pen song and I do agree

Innocent TV:

I made it to the first chorus before I started crying lol

I want you to know that I am fighting to get through this album for you guys, I am so so so tired

Haunted TV:

this one I'm really excited for

omg the echoing????

it's giving dark cave in the forest while it's raining vibes

the "I know" repetion?!?!?!

she sounds so angry in the last chorus and I love it

Last Kiss TV:

not one of my faves from the original SN so this is gonna be hard for me to get through this tired

yeah I zoned out for that entire song lol

Long Live TV:

I'm gonna cry (I actually didn't, idk how)

I want a long Live tattoo

I think this will really cement that

I can't get one yet because of reasons but by god do I want one

this song holds such a special place in my heart cause I associate it so much with my friends

Ours TV:

I think I've listened to the stolen version of this song like twice??

tbh I love the chorus but the rest of this song is kinda meh to me

Superman TV:

same category as ours

not my fave

Electric Touch feat. FOB TV FTV:

I need this song injected into my veins, oh my lord

taylor and Patrick sound so fucking good together

again like I blacked out for this song lol

When Emma Falls In Love TV FTV:

a piano moment??

it's giving folklore

"jokes about the ways this one could go wrong" me

"little miss sunshine always thinks it's gonna rain" ow

now I wanna know who Emma is

"takes on the pain and bears it on her own" again ow

🥹😭😭

I Can See You TV FTV:

I have heard a little about this one but all I know is that it's so it goes and dress's raunchier older sister

synths??!?!

omg this was written in 2010?????????? miss girl????

"up against the wall with me" 👀😳, taylor-- what?

I did not know she had this in her, holy shit

ok I def know why this wasn't on the original

"jacket on the floor" girl 😳

"start behaving myself" what the actual fuck?!?!!

I'm gonna need some time to process this lol

Castles Crumbling feat Hayley Williams TV FTV:

oh this is gonna hurt isn't it

I'm 20 seconds in and I know this is gonna hurt

this fuckin hurts

again, I blacked out lol

dude this is how I feel about my family, I went from being the golden child to being hated by my dad's side because I look and act too much like my mom

I only know like two songs by Hayley but her voice fits the song and she sounds great

Foolish One TV FTV:

damn I'm only on the first verse and she did not need to at me like that

god ow

"I will do my best to seem bulletproof" FOR FUCK SAKE TAYLOR JUST CALL THIS SONG SPRITE WHY DONT YOU

😦 -> me the entire time

dude this fucking hurt

the end made me cry 😭

Timeless TV FTV:

it came on while I was in the shower so I don't have any notes besides that it's an adorable song

[alintric]

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE 2005 IS BACK ON NETFLIX LETS GOOOO

[qwertyfingers]

also i have finally reached a point where i can cope really well without any pain medication which is fucking. revolutionary because for the last 5 years i’ve been on a buprenorphine patch continually because without it i would just never sleep well and i couldn’t walk properly and nowi am back to rawdogging life and it feels GOOD!!! like i am experiencing normal amounts of pain ratrher than Nothing Or Indescribable Agony for the first time in my adult life. feels good feels organic!! sorry for oversharing about my medical situation i am just feeling a lot of things about life rn!

[saprophetic]

frenemies w past me because that bitch is the reason I'm in an indescribable amount of pain rn but also it DID fill up my water bottle last night

[obannthepunished]

uhhhhhh notes HURT WEEK im pains

"They call me eagle-eye fjord where i come from." "maybe raven. i dont know." that theory about Fjord being the Hawker is suspicious rn (Apparently theres a third i missed whoops) sam apparently similar thoughts maybe bc Nott brings it up

Jester finally teaching kiri basic phrases, like "go fuck yourself"

Beau + Fjord taking first watch

Caleb checking out the dodecahedron

(Unrelated odd point: i have a current dislike/distrust for liam, which is bullshit bc... i love liam. and caleb and vax. but apparently smt is wrong.)

Dodecahedron is Very Old, and has been shaped/polished Cay uses the haversack as a pillow

BEAU/FJORD Beau: "I think I messed up. I think I should apologise." I HURT? Oh beauregard. oh marisha. "i wanna try, I guess" F: I think he deserves that. He's been good to us. i regret not writing fic now 8(

"OOH, terrible" "YEP." "five" "five" (collective "ooh")

Nott + Jes second. they roll not great.

Tinkle tinkle "nnhnohfishnott"

Kiri is poofed up asleep aAW

trident goin for FRUMPKIN NOOO (pause whilst they look for range on dismissal)

Kiri wakes up "Go fuck yourself :("

Theyre waiting for fish head they could just reappear Frumpkin tho...

Jester is sacred flaming, Molly has a sword active + stabs, Caleb fire bolt, Nott fires an arrow, Fjord eldritch blast, Yasha stabby

Molly + Nott + Caleb miss Fjord hits, Beau hits, Yasha hits dunno bout jes

frumpkin poofs back but doesn't see anything else.

???? alarm lasts 8 hours, not until triggered yall it should still be up. they need to look up the spells smh

Nott messaging to tell yash to hide the bodies

LAst watch is Yash and Caleb i need to stop shortening names

Caleb asks Yasha for people advice :') He's writing it down... i love him Yashas advice is basically "Fucking Bathe" And cay confirms he keeps himself gross because people ignore him more that way 8( Baby

C: "Do you know what i miss? shaving." Y: "I could shave you right now with my sword. I've done it before, you know, to... not have hair on my arms-" Omg shes doing it omg theyre doing it omg I DONT HAVE TO DRAW FACIAL HAIR IN MY FANART ANY MORE FUCK <3333

cay forgets he has a dagger jesus fucking christ

i love everyone making comments + taliesins just amazed like, borderline heart eye emoji look at this whole scenario

M: (to Caleb) "Well done, she [yasha] likes you!"

Nott is Not Happy About Water N: I'LL STAY WITH KIRI everyone else: Convincing her to come N: I'll stay with kiri, and if there's any trouble... we'll see what happens

Fjord goes first, he sees, with his 60ft darkvision, architeture of room. mistly natural, some bits not.

Fjord botches his stealth roll but matt botches his perception even worse. and my thing crashed im so mad.

Fjord is Not a good swimmer. hes like. 30ft swimming speed. Things being left: Caleb's books (2) Molly's coat

travis willingham going "kiris gotta die" then dragging everyone who gasped through the dirt

beau gets fucking 37 on her stealth check Matt: "That's some vax numbers right there!"

The visual aid is... so extra. lights. smoke. what the fuck matthew. (note: when ur best friend is called matthew this is a phrase you say too much)

Surprise round for erryone but Molly and Yasha (purrsonally, i think they were too busy talking abt how beautiful cay is now ;3c)

everyone rolled shite for initiative tho

Caleb casting haste on molly O:

Fjord is very very adept at everything

everyone on crit role can do maths better than me 8(

the marrow fuck beau and fjord royally

watching call lightning forming + marishas face as she slowly realises :)

jes gets the first hdywtdt + crushes a fish with a lollipop

Caleb is taking blind potshots with the glove of blasting boyy. One even hits!

moll gets 3 attacks i love my beautiful devil child

N: Are you guys alive and do you need anything? you can reply to this message~ C: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK N: oh,, alright.

Taliesin's relief when ashley actually hits is very good.

Beau goes down! D:

hi unrelated taliesin sticking his tongue out at sam fills me with indescribable joy

NEW: Horny twink gets double penetrated by feisty wet ones.

... which is to say two fish dudes stab molly.

Jes heals Beau, but we all know fine fucking well if she hadn't, Yasha would have done it on her next turn. still might since she's only on 11

Cay using dispel magic O:

Molly gets the second hdywtdt "I'm literally just a windmill at this point"

FJORD gets the third F: "I see Molly loojin' around, give him a little wink-" (murders) M: Fucking arsehole F: (witty comment) PEACE OUT (blinks out again)

"Sevens are scary" - Taliesin

Yash gets the next hdywtdt Xorhasian Neck Tie Jesus christ

I was right tho Yasha was seriously considering healing beau, it just takes her action

Two more fishfucks 8(

More call lightning

Sams flask says "lost my best friend over a bowl" and that hurtie

caleb is boutta die. Yasha is boutta die first lmao oh no. i love taliesin jaffe an inhuman amount. Yash gets pulled OVER beau and marisha makes like grabby hand motions which is VERY cute

ok NOW caleb boutta die. he Shield's, and then fragments "Caleb will remember this"

Beau looks at Yasha, looks at Caleb, and goes to CALEB (sobs) blasts a ki point and everything

Molly gets a nat 20 oh he's such a babe

Nott spending her turn justifying herself to Kiri

Fjord blinks back in and fucks up ANOTHER fishfuck

Yasha casting healing hands on HERSELF good.

"You dont have a printout of your character sheet????" "Oh yeah I do after you asked me nine times" liam wh

both yash and caleb are at ONE hp

B, spening her last ki point: HEYCALEBWESHOULDTALKLATER

Beau gets the HDYWTDT tho

Molly is Very Sick from losing haste

Caleb goes the fuck down Fails his first save

everytime tal says "im gonna try something weird"  i heart eyes emoji shame he cant do jack fuck though

Nott Burning Bolt shoots the fishfuck for 24 damage jeeeeez doesnt die but drops lightning

Fjord: (appears, fails, disappears)

if Caleb permadeaths i WILL cry

PLEASE YASHA PLEASE GOD JESTER PLEASE THEY KILL IT IM CRYING SO HARD no like literally i am actually crying bc matt very deliberately did that so that he didnt kill Caleb

Jester uses her pearl of power to regain a slot, and use it to cast prayer of healing for SHIT rolls.

Jester goes back to Kiri <333 baby. baby bird.

Matt mercer keeps using words ive only ever seen written and im ALWAYS ???? about their pronunciation

Fjord finds some L00t Like boxes and longswords and a pool of water with dozens of metallic objects mostly outlawed diety symols. changebringer moonweaver. others i forgot. stormlord. everlight. asmodeus ooh, bane strife emperor. and tiamat.

"a little black bird that's fluttering to try and get dry" fuck thats so damn cute. Marisha has the :D face

Calebs books are dry

wooden box + pool are magic. like. WITHIN.

Enchantment in the box. Molly collecting the moonweaver pieces

JESTER FINDS TWO SYMBOLS FOR THE TRAVELLER? HOLY SHIT Different make, pure silver one, burnished bronze another door arch with the road

Molly gets 12-13 symbols

Nott mage hands just so good even drunk

in the box is a blade, gold, jewel encrusted Molly shoves Nott aside to get it cause its a scimitar style

Caleb finds the arch-heart symbol? Takes one

Yasha takes 4 symbols for the storm god.

Bane/strife emperor symbol Fjord is curious about chained coffin he throws it into the pool. nothing happens.

JEster goes to pll it out and gets a big catseye yellow gem,  magical, but not a school of arcane magic. it has a line groove in it, very deliberate, an oval.

"something about that [orb] is very familiar"??? (Matt to Travis)

i was right about the orb being familiar

C: (abt the gold sword) This blade is called Summer's Dance C: "Mr. Mollymauk," M: "Mr. Caleb."

Blade allows user to cast Blink basically, and is stronk

official-europa replied to your post: uhhhhhh notes HURT WEEK im pains “They...

i think its probably misty step and not blink 

official-europa replied to your post: uhhhhhh notes HURT WEEK im pains “They...

on the sword i mean

caleb tries to ID the orb

fjord touches it "sky is moonlit + cloudless, clothes not your own, nor body, overcoat + human skin. thick calloused skin. left hand stone. look down, see body of previous owner, dead in blood. natural landmass seawater night. flash. right hand grasps falchion. voice booms. potential. jams the stone into gut, cCONSUME. vanishes into belly. looks into water. REWARD." "Vandrin."

i dont kn ow what the fuck is going on.??? everyone else sees this o shit

oh shit is the eye the symbol of Fjord's patron?

"he was my mentor, a captain of mine. a man named Vandrin." Y: What happened to Vandrin? F: I'm not sure. he captained the ship i worked on for many years, and their was an incident. an explosion, terrible weather, waves, "i was knocked overboard" when f woke up he was back on shore

"how did you survive" "I'm not entirely sure."

explosion was sabotage.

the pool is saltwater.

Molly shoves Fjord's head into the water

comes up "You okay???" "Do it again" "Tap three times when you're done!" Fjord drowns

they take as much as possible up and out and decide to dynamite everything in. dramatic exit..

They take the bodies down and lay them in the swamp to rest and decompose.

Beau tries to pull Caleb aside and he just stonewalls her until she actually apologises.

Caleb "I give beauregard a hug and say 'idont know what im doing. just. go with it." BEau very AWKWARDLY hugs him back Beau consulting Fjord, Caleb consulting Yasha The entire other side of the table clapping.

Beau: UH. GOOD TALK. FRIEND. (awkward silence) Beau: Seriously though. Friend? (pause) Caleb: Uh. Ja. (brb dying)

there is a single yellow eye on the hilt of the falchion.

episode END

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

Current Physical Issues:

-tired constantly no matter what. my sleep used to be extremely varied (id sleep for 3 hours, then 13, then 8, then id stay up for 2 1/2 days, etc.) but for the past three months its been like my body Needs a minimum of 11-12 hours before it will allow me to be woken up and if im waking up by myself its going to stay asleep long? if someone wakes me up after a normal amount of time i feel fucking dead and attempts to wake me up usually take like 2 more hours to actually work. no matter how long i actually sleep i feel tired and fatigued the whole time im awake. my muscles feel weak and my head feels clouded and i stay that way through the whole day -i feel like a can’t breathe deeply? not like my chest is tight or anything but just like my lungs are too small???idk if that makes sense. it doesn’t hurt its just weird and upsetting i guess. sometimes it becomes like, Physically Laborious to breathe for a minute/a few minutes, like i have to be pushing air really hard for it to get through. i’ve asked my mom what having an asthma attack feels like and i don’t think its that? she seemed to be saying it felt more specifically like your throat was constricting and not letting in any air and for me its more like all my Air Pipes just get a lot thinner in general until they calm down? this has been a thing as far back as i can remember i only thought about it maybe not being a regular and ok thing like 1 year ago but idk if its really something to be worried about. -similar thing where idk-if-this-is-normal-and-ok-or-like-a-weird-thing, i get these really intense and fucked up pains in my ribs where you have to like stay still and not breathe for a while until it goes away, a lot. im pretty sure everyone gets these and its like ur ribs popping or something but it might be related to breathing things? and idk when i’ve asked people if they expirienced that it seemed like they kind of had to strain to remember, like it happens ssssssssssssssommmetimes, whereas for me thats happening at least once like every other day. again its just kind of annoying but that one actually really hurts lol -a weird head thing happened to me while we were grocery shopping a few? (i can’t remember) days ago. idk if its was like, What Happens When I Stay Awake or what, and it was very hard to describe. my parents just thought i was being weird of having like an Episode yknow and i was trying to explain that i wasnt even though it was kind of similar or at least was making me act similar. i felt very off-balance and he head kind of hurt?? kind of just felt very very strange and unpleasant. i was very disoriented and it was physically hard to think and speak and my eyes weren’t focusing and i felt like something bad was going to happen or i was going to like fall over and die idk. it was like the confusion of having a psychotic episode but with the physical things amped up to 11 and some Fun New Indescribable Feelings throw in there. i don’t want that to happen again ever -i shake a lot? just kind of randomly...like ill be sitting there doing my thing or laying down to go to sleep and ill just feel like these really deep shakes coming out from my abdomen? its just kinda strange tbh

im writing these things down so i can like remember but idk if i can think of anything else rn. i feel like im forgetting stuff. i slept all day today and woke up at like 8 pm and im exhausted lol